Finding Myself

I've been feeling particularly rubbish of late. It's gotten me thinking, and I think I've discovered at least part of the problem. I've lost part of myself since having kids. I know it sounds like a cliché, but apparently it's happened and I didn't even notice.

This is me before I had my daughters. Make up was a hobby of mine, and I loved playing with it and creating new looks. I also loved doing my nails, and I would paint them at least 3 times a week. I hardly ever went out without at least some make up on, and it was often bright and eye catching.

This is me with L on her 1st birthday. It's not that I looked particularly bad, it was more that I didn't spend any time on my appearance any more. I thought I was okay with that, I really and truly believed that I was the same person, just without make up. Well, now it turns out I may have been wrong. It occurred to me the other day that my own self image has really taken a hit since my second daughter was born. Breastfeeding and a lack of money severely limits my wardrobe choices, and honestly motherhood has changed me so that I don't really know my personal style anymore. I don't have and identity, I'm just Mummy.

So I made a decision. I started looking at plus size fashion blogs, and online clothing stores, to try and rediscover what appeals to me. The other day when we went into town, I did my hairs and make up. Wore outrageously bright pink lipstick, and clothes that made me feel pretty. We had a great day, and every time I caught sight of myself whilst we were out I liked the way I looked.

So I bought myself some second hand clothes and jewelry, and I've been making more of an effort for myself. I started looking after my nails again, as painting them is something I really enjoy doing.

Depression is hard. Especially with children, and when you are struggling financially and you have very little familial support. I feel like I need to do whatever I can to improve my mental health, and right now that seems to be doing things to make me feel good about myself. I don't know whether it will help in the long run, but right now, it's improving my mood, and that's a positive thing, so it's what I'm going to focus on.

Mr Sun

We've had some wonderful weather of late and since the temperature has been up, so has my mood. Dev has finally gotten his business started, so he's up in the office during the day and I'm left alone with the girls. Which is actually rather terrifying.

It gets to me some days. I mean, I wanted this. I really wanted to be a SAHM, I looked forward to spending days at home with my children, nurturing them, baking cookies, etc. And when Dev first went to work when L was about 8 months old, that's what I did! I felt great, I was organised, but now there's two of them. And two is turning out to be harder than I ever imagined. L is going through a stroppy phase (dare I say terrible twos?) and F is high needs simply as a result of being 7 months old, and therefore almost entirely dependent on me. I feel like I spend my days being tag teamed by them as I desperately try too tidy the mess created by my toddler (which she promptly re-creates the instant I sit down to feed F) Or I try to start dinner and L will, need the toilet, or F will want a toy that's out of reach, or one (or both) will want a drink or a snack. I actually managed to clean my bathroom the other day! Admittedly it took me 2 hours of doing it in 5 minute bursts, but still! I actually achieved something!

I still feel like I'm barely keeping afloat most days, but baby steps are better than nothing!

Introductions

Just thought I'd put some background as a starting point. I'm Jenni and I'm 27, my partner's name is Devin, he's 26, and we've been together for 5 years.

Here we are about 2 1/2 years ago, before we had any children

We have two daughters, our eldest is 3 in August an her name is Lilibeth

Our youngest daughter was born October 2014, she's currently 6 months old, and her name is Ffion

We're all currently living in a small town in South Wales. Dev is starting his own home business on April 1st, so from then on weekdays will be just me and the girls. I'm not going to lie, the prospect is daunting, since they both require so much attention at the moment, and I only have one pair of hands. Also PND makes everything seem a little overwhelming. But that's what this blog is for, to document both the good and bad so I can hopefully help myself, reflect on things that went wrong and remind myself of the positives.